Feel All The Feels

I’ve come to realize I am a feeler.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and am easily effected by others’ stories; fictional or real. Books, movies, social media, face to face interactions; I want to go in deep. I want to feel with them. None of this surface, “everything’s fine” shit.

And yet, I am aware that I am a rarity.

Not many are running to the front of the line to bare witness for others to help them feel and work through the lesson, which I’ve come to realize is hard for most. And yet, actually feeling is at the root of many of the problems in our relationships, and quite honestly, even in our society today.

Feeling accepted.

Feeling loved.

Feeling disengaged.

Feeling unavailable.

Feeling revered.

Feeling beautifully broken.

So why is it that we try not to feel? Why is it easier to ignore the bad, the hurt, the uncomfortableness of life rather than deal with it head on?

I have decided it’s because the growth is in the pain. We have to move through the pain to get to the acceptance and love. We have to move through the pain to come up gasping for more air. We have to move through the pain to see the stars shine on the opaque night sky.

Believe me, facing the truth head on feels like you are alone in the middle of the ocean when a storm breaks open. There you are, shipwrecked, and trying not to drown amongst the waves are crashing over you; whipping you across the face and tossing you like a ragdoll.

It hurts.

You are disorientated and have no idea which direction you’re headed.

And yet, there is always a calm after the storm if you’re willing to be still.

Even so, in the darkness of the night when all hope seems lost, it’s much easier to sink down and wallow. To survive by holding on to a piece of driftwood, yet never powering through to shore.

However when we ignore the pain and block off that area of our heart to not feel that kind of pain again…it’s only festering. Deep down, you may not realize it because when we block, we also forget.

But it’s there.

Much like a fault line, ready to shift and cause major damage. So instead of trusting and waiting for the calm after the storm, we have now the pain crumble us.

Because when that fault line shifts, we are shook to our core. The walls and cascades we have built up around our hearts tumble down brick by brick. And all we are left with is the pain we have been hid and blocked away. Staring us in the face. Again.

Waiting to feel. Waiting to learn the lesson.

Waiting for us to crash and burn…only to rise from the ashes.  

All that is left is us.

Beautifully broken and real.

Being still.

Standing on top of the rubble, looking down at what used to be.

Only to look up at the sky with the sun shining down, we breathe a full breath for the first time in ages.

And finally, we truly see all that is yet to come.

Getting Unstuck

My wheels are stuck.

Bogged down, full on mud, sunk down deep, stuck.

And quite honestly, I’m thankful it’s only the yucky, slimy, compact mud. Sometimes you get stalled in quicksand where everything is sinking faster than you anticipate and the more you struggle the faster you sink. Other times it can feel like a landslide where it all hits you at once and you’re down before you realize what barreled you over.

But for me, it’s mud that’s weighing me down. These dog days of summer have been hard. Raising littles has been hard. Feeling disconnected emotionally has been hard. Showing up and holding space for others has been hard.

When did everything get so heavy and thick?

I’m trying so hard to find that groove; that little grain of sand that will make my wheels gain traction and move. And yet, the only traction I feel is the back and forth motion of my wheels sinking deeper and deeper and I’m going nowhere fast.

What I need is a strong chain to pull me out of my funk and back onto solid ground. Sometimes a quick yank will do the trick and other times…we need the full tow.

I’m working through my tried and true methods and thought I’d share in the event they may serve you, too.

Communicate. Truly open up and share what is on your heart and being vulnerable and releasing what no longer serves you. God puts people in your life that have already learned a similar lesson that they can bestow upon you so that you can also learn from them.

Journal. Sometimes it’s really hard to crack open to someone else. Actually, a lot of times it’s hard to crack open to someone else. But when you put pen to paper and actually let Spirit speak through you and release it on paper? That’s healing. No one ever has to see it. One of my favorite things is to even the intention by burning the paper as a physical sign of release. I even say a prayer over it as I watch those ashes and smoke release as a symbol of my release.

Ground yourself. Go outside. Outstretch your arms and ground down to feel the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the grass, and the breeze on your face. Say a prayer as you soak in all the goodness of God’s work. Sometimes reconnecting with the earth is powerful enough to create a shift in momentum.

Pray. Ask for Divine guidance from above. So often we pray for others, as we feel selfish and determine they need it more than us. But God doesn’t discriminate; He wants what’s best for you, too. The trick is to be humble enough to ask and open enough to receive.

Meditate. Meaning, sit in your own stillness. Calm your mind of all the noise and chatter in your mind. Meditation doesn’t have to be all woo-woo with lit candles, soft music, and chanting. Meditation can be as simple as focusing in on your breath for three minutes. Just noticing it move in and out. Clearing your mind by releasing what no longer serves you on every exhale.

Read. Or listen to a podcast; watch a webinar or YouTube video. Get inspired by someone you admire, who you trust, and that will lift you out of that funk. Chances are, it will only take a tiny bit of creativity to get ideas flowing again.

All you need is a little bit of traction to keep you going. Find what works for you and when in doubt, keep repeating until you’re back on solid ground again.

Answering the Call

            I never wanted to be the leader. The one who has to tell your dad that the spot on your mom’s MRI is a tumor because he missed the Doctor’s rounds. The one who has to shave your mom’s head for a full craniotomy. The one who has to coordinate all the calls and texts and updates because your mom is so loved and is on everyone’s prayer lists. I am the baby. This wasn’t supposed to be my job. I didn’t ask to be this kind of leader.

            But that’s the thing. God doesn’t call upon the most sought-after leaders. He picks the ones He knows will answer the call, whether they are a leader or not. Three years after not knowing if my mom would even wake up after so many seizures, here are the lessons I’ve learned from answering that call.

            Many of the times, you earn your wings on the way down. I knew how to lead, but I wasn’t prepared for this. I had to earn my wings in the midst of the storm. I had to learn how to rise above while the wind and rain were beating me down.

            How to prepare for the next riptide. Because we all know there will be another one. My mom’s tumor will come back. It has once already. I have learned that in order to float, you must be willing to surrender to whatever is headed your way. If you resist and struggle, not only will you wear yourself out, the sooner you will sink. Sharks will bite. Jellyfish will sting. Fish will nibble. Be prepared for the unexpected.

           Don’t settle. Once you get complacent, you don’t listen to what’s truly stirring inside. My mom started running at age 60 and had just finished running her fourth half-marathon 2 months prior to her seizures. She has taught me that it’s never too late to go after a goal, to dream a new dream, and to believe in yourself. Listen to that stirring in your soul. God is calling you to a bigger, better place.

           You can’t do it all alone. Lose the ego. Ask for help and be willing to have others help you. There is comfort in being surrounded by those who want to lift you. Extra meals, a few groceries, a coffee date, a few hours babysitting, rides to chemo appointments; whatever it is, let it in. Same goes with prayers. Give it to God, as He is the one orchestrating it all, anyway.

            Lastly, love. Unconditionally. Crack open your heart and soul to others who deserve it. And when you do, the dams burst open and you see and feel how the world responds in the ripple effect: shining, soaring, fully, and completely. You will never regret saying, “I love you” when you truly mean it, because holding those feelings and words back will hurt even worse than never saying them at all.