I can’t help but wonder what life would be like had you not left all those years ago.

If you were still here, I would call you up and ask a stupid question just to get a reaction. A boisterous, over-the-top remark that would be sure to come, followed by a deep, heart-filling belly laugh that lasted for what seemed like minutes after. Your quick wit, sarcastic undertones, and facial expressions of serious comments made it that much more entertaining to chat with you.

If you were still here, I would send my boys over to your house to roughhouse. Jokes, stories, and over-the-top shenanigans would obviously ensue; a one-stop shop of fun. I wouldn’t have to share pictures and funny memories. I wouldn’t have to remind them how they knew you in heaven before they were born. I wouldn’t have to see, hear, and laugh at how much they remind me of you.

If you were still here, we would still be on the post-high of family time of the holidays and creating more memories instead of reliving those from years ago. The twinges and pangs of guilt, sadness, and remorse wouldn’t be evident as our family would be whole once again.

If you were still here, I would be able to still look up to you in reverence instead of remembrance. Your charming and confident attitude made you so loveable and the ultimate life-of-the-party. Easily making everyone your new best friend, and making sure the party didn’t end until you went home.

If you were still here, I would wrap my arms around you one last time and soak in how you smelled, how you felt, and mostly, how you made me feel. Safe, loved, and whole.

But you’re not still here.
My world did stop that day.
I can only see you in pictures, memories, and dreams.

If you were still here, my heart would be whole. Not stitched together from remnants of what it used to be. Still beating, yet resembling a broken puzzle, desperately trying to piece it back together with bits and pieces that no longer fit.

If you were still here, I would tell you how much I love you and how you have impacted my life for the better. I would tell you that I feel you when I go somewhere or meet someone new. I would tell you that I know your legacy lives on through my boys. I would tell you that I see and hear your messages every single day.

I am a better person because of you.
I have learned and grown from your lessons here on earth and from above.
I understand that life is fragile, but I am not.

I am me because of you.