I’ve come to realize I am a feeler.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and am easily effected by others’ stories; fictional or real. Books, movies, social media, face to face interactions; I want to go in deep. I want to feel with them. None of this surface, “everything’s fine” shit.
And yet, I am aware that I am a rarity.
Not many are running to the front of the line to bare witness for others to help them feel and work through the lesson, which I’ve come to realize is hard for most. And yet, actually feeling is at the root of many of the problems in our relationships, and quite honestly, even in our society today.
Feeling beautifully broken.
So why is it that we try not to feel? Why is it easier to ignore the bad, the hurt, the uncomfortableness of life rather than deal with it head on?
I have decided it’s because the growth is in the pain. We have to move through the pain to get to the acceptance and love. We have to move through the pain to come up gasping for more air. We have to move through the pain to see the stars shine on the opaque night sky.
Believe me, facing the truth head on feels like you are alone in the middle of the ocean when a storm breaks open. There you are, shipwrecked, and trying not to drown amongst the waves are crashing over you; whipping you across the face and tossing you like a ragdoll.
You are disorientated and have no idea which direction you’re headed.
And yet, there is always a calm after the storm if you’re willing to be still.
Even so, in the darkness of the night when all hope seems lost, it’s much easier to sink down and wallow. To survive by holding on to a piece of driftwood, yet never powering through to shore.
However when we ignore the pain and block off that area of our heart to not feel that kind of pain again…it’s only festering. Deep down, you may not realize it because when we block, we also forget.
But it’s there.
Much like a fault line, ready to shift and cause major damage. So instead of trusting and waiting for the calm after the storm, we have now the pain crumble us.
Because when that fault line shifts, we are shook to our core. The walls and cascades we have built up around our hearts tumble down brick by brick. And all we are left with is the pain we have been hid and blocked away. Staring us in the face. Again.
Waiting to feel. Waiting to learn the lesson.
Waiting for us to crash and burn…only to rise from the ashes.
All that is left is us.
Beautifully broken and real.
Standing on top of the rubble, looking down at what used to be.
Only to look up at the sky with the sun shining down, we breathe a full breath for the first time in ages.
And finally, we truly see all that is yet to come.